Thursday, September 1, 2016


_  zdarzenie 

chance was in the beginning - in the beginning was the fact

- Come on I'll show you something 

Felix grabbed my hand and we were outta there laughing. He'd struck a match and held the flame suspended. We walked on the highway and unless I was imagining things we had been kissing all night. Already Felix knew his way about the streets.Things shimmered and mildly shook for four days or so. Our last remaining night, right before bedtime, he made a bolt for freedom and barely touched me. 

- You're better now? Improving, I mean? Check mate, by the way. Or is it? No _ 
Go out, he told me. Take walks, enjoy your holidays and your beaches, the simple ordinary things, I've got so much to do. He flung my hand away. Before he did he kissed me hard as if he meant it and I felt a fool in a smart one's clothing, and the moments streched thinner and thinner. 

_ rzyzyko_ 

- Get off me ! 

I looked into Felix's face with a broken smile. He laughed and turned his face bluntly towards the winding road. Hadn't I taken him places though? Shown him things? Freakishly so, but then again freaks are who they are and they will inherit the earth. 

Everything brought me to this. There was no smallest event that had not been part of the plot. Press hard enough upon anything and it will unfurl its secret, intricate equations. Try then to do it with subtlety and you can gag on it in grief, slowly, stroke by stroke. 

- How's your freedom mate? A bus hurtled past, swaying on the bend. 
- I'll be alright, he said. Honest, I'll be.. 

I waved a hand. 
- Go on then, heal yourself. Go..., I pushed. Order, pattern, harmony, and for the first time after a some time, I looked at him directly, with what felt like a fierce, strabismic stare. 

- Won't you? he said. You'll have to... 
I spoke no more. The door behind me closed. I turned and the ashen twilight rose. My eyelids were burning, something thuding in my chest. 

_ czas  _ 

Felix quietly pushed the door to open an inch. I put my eye to the crack but stepped back. He wore a black hoodie and a pair of grey flannel sweatpants. He fished in the pocket of his hoodie and brought out a tiny shell, brought it under my nose, peered at it. 

- Come on, I'll show you something

- Listen, Felix ... I began but then paused and stared at the tips of my sneakers.I could have said that I had waited for too long, or that he had been a heartless prick, or that there had been such immense silence, more than I could handle, that there are no good excuses if one cares enough and he hadn't, that there are no blessed meek, or gullibles who will ever get their poor wishes fullfilled  just because they've suffered for too long, but what I'd learned was that when you wish to go-get talk is cheap.

What had seriously felt like a whole in my chest was the fact that I had not been claimed enough, or sought after enough, or fucking fought over enough.

Felix lit up two cigarettes, gave me the one. Smoke rose in crisp puffs. I watched his ears and his mouth both reddening again, thought of my right leg moving slowly up his inner thigh, toes pressing, my lips smoking, ashes falling on his chinos, rolling down, landing on the couch inside a dark triangle.I remembered laughing and dancing, slow-kissing while drips of alcohol purposedly run from his lips on my chin and black dress. How many years had passed since then, shit not even half.

A high silver autumn day was sinking over the rooftoops. The traffic looked like it was made up of ghost vehicles forever solidifying out of the atmosphere and rolling along a highway somewhat  exhalted and fair. I could smell the lipa trees and hear the cold, glossy wind rushing in the branches. The treetops were hidden in the mist.

I glanced at him vaguely and began to walk away. For a moment there was a slight pang of a fear that like he had done so artfully in the past he wasn't following me, the same old shitty, chilly -I'm fucking-giving-up-on-you-cause-I'm-too-sensible-too-careful-too-focused-on-shaping-my-life-as-a-sort-of-support-structure-for-my-career. Nonsense. Nonsense, I repeated with every step. If you can't grab my hand knowing why the fuck I came up all this way, if you are still wandering the same old boyish "do you really want this" or even require me to say anything you can take your "come on I'll show you something" and shove it up your skinny arse.

Having taken about twelve steps away I halted under a look from Felix past, back in the day when enthusiastic as fuck I'd playfully tease and tell him off. His look involved his dipping his head a little to the right, and his eyebrows rising while his lips pursed a fraction, and he'd shake his head with a slight smile. It was his look that said as near as I could gauge it " ah, you're such a baby and we've been over this before".

I went up to him, still standing in the same spot, still glancing at me, hand in his pocket, probably making allowances.

- You know what? You ought to be less determined to tell people how clever you are, how much more clever or loving than they are, even if it's true, especially then. Doing so makes you sarcastic, mean and patronising, and even if your intentions were otherwise, even so, what you meant isn't what matters. What matters is how you appear, what other people think you meant.

- Same as you do?
- I do it too, don't I?
- You do...
- So... you think we can learn how to..
- Obviously. I told you... I'll show you something
- So, will you ... ?
- I will. Care to walk with me in the rain ?  

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