Thursday, September 24, 2015

3 dicks

three has always been my card

so far , counting my greatest glories, and even greater defeats , it had always been in threes 

triangles formed throughout my paths and pauses, I even have a triangular shade somewhere between my thighs, so many variants 

but the magic number is two 

you see, I've been left behind twice 

first was the biological dick
I never met him, I'm always scared I might bump into him, not knowing; he will probably be ignorant as shit
maybe he knew , maybe he didn't but he definitely won't have a clue now ; who knows what can happen; the question is , what came after me .. seeing him is the least, but what if there are others, like myself .. ah the others ...have to admit it, I've looked for signs, I've peeked at younger strangers' eyes and faces and mannerisms, I've sometimes ogled them like a freakin' lemur, could we be related? am I going to find out ? nope! 

the second was the love-ly dick 
not only did he take the bio-dick's place, so gladly, so earnestly, so wholeheartedly, so gratefully, with tears in his eyes, but managed to do it so well, no one could do it better; I'm not going to get all melodramatic or soft on you, don't worry, I'm not here to adore him with literary fairy-dust ... but I had the love, pure love, endless, altruistic devotion, inspiration, passion, so many stimuli provided, music, languages, exhibitions, journeys,words, teaching, constant teachings of the world, patience, patience and benign fights, crusading for my sake every single day of his, hunting away nightmares, and insisting on how there is no damn problem without a solution, an eternal optimist, the apple of my eye, the sweet pea, the golden lion, and then his hugs, ah ... the hugs and kisses, I'd roll my arm around his like a tourniquet, and die a little every time he smiled at me, proud, so proud _

and then I'm twenty friggin' one and he goes and dies like the love-ly dick that he were

the incident gave crap and the bogey-man a whole new dimension 
the real deal, eat it up, throw it up, cry till there is no more water  left in you and get the heck up and walk again, with a limping leg at first, then run Forrest, run, then start considering yourself wiser because of it, manning up, toughen your skin, don't flake it, don't flake in general, don't wither, don't you dare become a loser, everything happens for the right reasons, trust the timing of your life, stronger each day (that was all his conscious doing, of course, making a fighter out of me, that bloody son of a bitch) 

you can guess where I'm going with it , who would want to add up to the magic number? 

it's one thing to grow up with a splinter, a tiny fish-bone of a ditched-your-ass in the back of your throat (because that's where it stuck in me, couldn't cough it up), but to be left alone for the third time would be FUBAR babe 

that's probably the best - brief - explanation I can provide you with, as far my runaway inclination is concerned, it's not I can't commit, it's not I do not wish to ... but I leave first 

the things I've done for safety 
think you can be calm and warm in someone's arms and rest assured nothing is going to harm you
but safety is a liar 

I trust nobody 

not even You 
who I've been so politely asking to stay for what seems like ages but is only mere months if you are realistic about a lifetime

I tried, I really did, I wanted you, I still do 
I want You 


I trust nobody 

not even You 
who I've shown so much nerve trying to get close to 

but if I end up on your , say, open door, chances are you'll be a dick like them twos, first chance you're given or last

that's why I have not come all the way 
that's why I may be able to give you the world but chose to remain silent 

should we somehow meet at the end of the road 
you may mistake my efforts for reliance, my conviction for belief, or my craze for trust

no , dear stranger , no dear ghost of the Christmas future

I trust nobody _ 

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